Relationships: The art of letting be

My most recurrent source of discomfort arises when I find myself trying to control what others do… specifically when it comes to my partner. Sounds familiar?

Maybe it’s the society I grew up in but when it comes to “adulthood and family life” I certainly have plans and standards. It’s like all my life I had been learning what to do and what not to do from my parents and other families around me and all that time my brain had secretly kept a whole file about how to do it when the time comes.

Well, now the time is here, I have met the person I chose to start this adventure with and now I am officially on this boat for the rest of my life…creating a family.

And as my ancestors before me, I have no idea of what I’m doing but I want to make the best out of it, does that make any sense?

Honestly it was never my dream as a little girl to get married and be a mom, I didn’t have baby dolls to care for when I was a child, on the contrary, I really enjoyed being cared for and when it came to playing with dolls, my barbies were not moms, they were always rich independent women… however the circle of life that moves us all and biology are following their course and although I have zero practice at being a parent I feel happy, excited and anxious about this new stage in life.

That being said, I am the kind of person that likes to have a plan and a clear ground to stand on so now that I’m transitioning from independent woman wanderer of the world to full time pillar of my own family… I want to have a route, a plan, a strategy.

In my experience dating was always a self-growth learning experience, maybe I am too practical in that way, but for me the “perfect person or soulmate” doesn’t really exist.

I believe a healthy relationship is one that empowers you and where you feel naturally willing to empower the other as well. So rather than finding a Prince Charming that is brave, rich and good looking (our early model of masculinity) it’s acknowledging that the person who you share the spark of the following ingredients -attraction, connection, communication, shared values, common goals- is actually a human being.

When we come to a certain age, all of our biology tells us to focus on finding a suitable mate and at some point we have spent so many years of our lives in relationships that we either want to settle down or give up “the search”. When we meet someone that lights the spark and meets our requirements we feel “complete” and ready to take it to the next level.

All of that is super distracting and as comfortable as it might feel the truth is that every person in this universe is unique and different so even if we are in a relationship with a partner that we qualify as suitable, in spite of all those things in common and the “love” we have for each other, we will still behave differently, react differently, approach things differently and just experience life differently.

I believe this is one of the greatest oversights in the history of relationships, we think that everything will be perfect because we love a person so much… but eventually and inevitably we will hit a rock spot where all the differences will seem to blow up and in many cases overpower everything else.

No wonder there are so many jokes and warnings about married life, it’s like we are blinded by nice feelings and once the juice of that is gone, reality strikes and we realize we don’t want the same things, even if once we thought we did.

But what happens? is the “magic” really gone after you get married? are you meant to just settle for struggles in the time to come? Like you’ve been sentenced to prison and you can’t escape?

I believe that we can have a healthy relationship and many happy moments together but we should watch out for perfection, it is a big delusion. Humans are not made for being perfect so letting go of expectations inside of a relationship can save us many trouble.

Expectations are created inside our own mind about the outcome of something that is neutral, yet if we don’t experience the result we fantasized about, we “feel disappointed, misunderstood, betrayed” and the problem starts… we want to control the outcome of the situations around us so we want to control the behavior of others just to guarantee our own comfort.

And as often as we might hear that releasing expectations leads to a peaceful mind, expectations are really hard to get rid of, specially because it makes perfect sense to your mind to have expectations when it comes to subjects you judge as very important.

Another factor that I find very important is that what we judge as important is completely subjective so it’s likely that we consider some things important where other people don’t and viceversa and even if we agree on many, it’s impossible to agree on everything 100%, I believe that inherently men and women consider different things as important and that is also something we should keep in mind.

As illuminated as I want to be, I think choosing a partner to share many years of your life with is a decision that comes with expectations already, when you choose someone to be a father to your children, instinctively you expect to have the basic needs covered so you can devote your body, mind and soul into bringing a strong and healthy human into life and making sure it survives until it can become a notable source of good for the world. Moreover once the child is born you expect your partner to give very bit of his soul into making sure the child is taken care of in every way.

As a woman you know you can provide shelter, food and support to your child by yourself, nothing will stop you… yet when you share that stage of life with a partner you want that person to be involved, the trick here is, what are the parameters you are setting for that involvement? what are you expecting the other to do?

I believe it’s support, support in your decisions as a being who is truly connected to life and all the universe in that moment. I haven’t experienced it yet but I believe that when you become a mother you transform into something else, you develop higher senses and you are granted access to the net of life, I picture something like what happens in the movie “Avatar” when they all connect to the tree and do a ritual together.

But with great power comes great responsibility and once you are part of that network you must learn how to balance your expectations and let your partner be. A man will never be able to embody and experience being a vessel for life, he can be touched and moved but not transformed as a woman will.

Are men allowed to be their same selves or do they need to immediately become the perfect role model of a father that will not think of anything else except his family?

I think that everyone has a different personality, people who are naturally responsible and proactive, people who are hyperactive, people who are slower and need a lot of practice at things, people who are family oriented and people who value their space alone. To expect a perfect behavior from a partner is to doom ourselves to unhappiness.

Having the freedom to choose our partner is a luxury that not everyone can afford, so whenever I feel discomfort due to a behavior that I deem not what I would want in that moment, I stop myself and let go, remembering that it is my choice to be here and now with this person exactly how he is, not with a fantasy of that person, with the real person that has it’s own thoughts, feelings and needs.

It is never a simple thing being in a relationship and I consider that it’s very important to remember that it’s not meant to be perfect, a person is not a machine that you can program to your every preference, yet with will from both sides and actual work you can achieve a balanced and sustainable relationship where you both can feel accomplished, seen, heard, valued and respected.

Be true to yourself and allow the other one to be…

-Cristina G.

First of July

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Today is the first of July and it is a very important day in Mexico, coincidentally, today a lot of mexicans are fulfilling their civic duty by voting for the next president and congress representatives.

A lot of mexicans are once again trusting and hoping for a change to come their way, for their lives to improve, for the country to progress.

I can’t relate to this idea, sadly I don’t see how an election, a moment of crossing out a name in a paper would give mexicans as a society the ability to improve anything, because as a society mexicans do not participate in the construction of the legal framework at anytime after the election, they simply put their trust in the politicians (and I will not use the word representatives because they are actually not representing the interests of the society) and hope for the best. This is the process every 6 years, to participate for a second to trust for the rest of their term.

For the longest time Mexico has lived in the perfect dictatorship, the ruler: A nice group of the richest entrepreneurs that have a long and profitable marriage with the mass media.

Why should I vote for a person that does not represent me? Why should I give my trust to someone I don’t trust?

Every 6 years the presidential elections are not about supporting the candidate that you choose, they are about trying to choose from all evils the one that seems least harmful, What type of democracy is that?

I believe that voting for the sake of “trusting democracy” is the worst way to waste your political freedom.

I believe that I should not lie about what I truly think and that I shouldn’t be afraid to face judgement from all the “good citizens” that choose to vote and I definitely shouldn’t be afraid that the government itself will threaten my life.

Listen to me mexicans: The change that you long for is not in any political party, nor in the government, it’s in our own ability to stop being selfish and start being human.

Political proposals are always so smart and amazing and so void…in reality the mexican constitution allows convicted criminals with criminal background for fraud and many other crimes to run for office in the Congress, in reality most of the mexican and foreign companies pay low salaries and demand countless hours of work from the people , they don’t pay for training and avoid paying extra hours as much as they can making it impossible for the people to live a balanced life, in reality the lucky people who actually have a job work until exhaustion to earn a way of life and neither the company nor the government support them even if they are single parents or if they have a family member with special needs or disability, in reality the government lends money to workers to buy an 85sq meter home and pay for it with interest for the rest of their life, in reality companies use other “sub-companies” to sign their work agreements and pay less taxes and to avoid complying with their constitutional obligations towards workers, in reality there are not enough spaces in schools for people to access basic education and a university degree is a privilege for a few percentage of the population whom also have to pay to access private schools because there are not enough spaces in public schools.

I didn’t hear any of the candidates mention anything about reforming the Constitution to include the mexican society in the actual decision making process of the laws that affect their lives. I didn’t hear any of the candidates mention that if you are a convicted criminal you are banned from running for public office, I didn’t hear any of the candidates talk about their real lives,  about who they are, I didn’t hear anyone having a clear vision about what they can and can’t accomplish to heal hundreds of years of mismanagement from countless previous governments and what they can and can’t do to stop the manipulation of information from the media.

“To end corruption”- That is the single most vague and virtually impossible idea I have heard…Come on! Why should I allow these people (the candidates) to treat me as if I weren’t able to understand a thing?

No, corruption will never end and no one can eradicate it, it exists in every country at every level and it will always exist as long as human beings exist because it is part of the human behavior…corruption has existed since time immemorial and the point is not to change that, the point is not to end it, the point is what to do in response to corruption and with all the consequences of corruption.

Nowadays in Mexico every politician that has been corrupt lives freely and at leisure to enjoy the money they stole, the businesses they made, the profit they gathered… What legal mechanism does the mexican society have in response to this?…NONE.

Ex-presidents that have been infamous throughout history, that have caused one economic crisis after the other, all they have to do is wait in their mansions in Switzerland or France until it’s ok to come back and live in Mexico again, slowly it becomes normal to have them around and after a while they and their children even become celebrities appearing in social magazines, showing off their million dollar weddings. This model is replicated at every level of government from majors of a municipality to the president of the republic.

Who is proposing any legal mechanism to react in defense of the people’s will? Who can think that rewarding these people is the people’s will? What sort of democracy is that?

Every 6 years I write a post like this and I wish that someone would understand that what any country needs, what any society needs is first to LIVE BY REAL HUMAN VALUES, for people to forget all the indoctrination, repression, insecurity, fear and violence they have been fed up and raised with and to learn how to be human.

How to know and love your self, how to respect your self, how to love your environment, how to love all other human beings because until you love others you will actually start to care about them and  by others I mean all others, not just your family, to love your family is not enough: love a stranger, love the person who has AIDS, love the person who is homeless, love the elders, love the single parents, love the people living in poverty, love all others, if you are able to love them then you will work with them and not against them and then you will be able to build a balanced society.

Human beings that live from this place will lead by example and those are the mexicans I would vote for.

 

 

 

 

Family

 

Just an image that inspired me to do it and share the message.